My disappearance

I know few friends and family notice I was off line at least for a week. There are reason to it and finally I have a strength to spread the bad news to all of you.

For the past few weeks I was joyful with my pregnancy development. The growing tummy and the nausea really confirming the pregnancy. Since this is my second pregnancy, I did not rush to see my gynecologist immediately. But last week was my follow up appointment and had my pregnancy test for the first time. I was excited when I saw the fetus but the happy moment ended when she told me the fetus did not develop any heartbeat after 8 weeks pregnant. I think my heart stop few second (may be not but that how I feel). Aaron was there with me and I was excited to show him his new sibling and the news break my heart.

But there was no tears shed on that particular moment. Silently I calmed myself and listen to what the doctor had to say. She give me a week to see if any progress on the fetus with very slim chances. I went back home and shut myself out from outside world including my family. It was horrible when I broke the news to my husband while we having dinner. I could even bare to look straight into his eyes because I was scared I will lose myself in tears.

A week past and last 2 days was my follow up to check if any progress and as what we expected nothing has change. The fetus still has no development but my placenta still growing as if  the fetus is alive. Cause of the problem? We have no idea. The doctor did suggest after she terminate my pregnancy, she can sent it to the lab to run a test. But I refuse to do it because I do not want the result being the topic to pint point who's fault it is. She admitted me to the ward that evening and the operation was done the next morning (yesterday). Abortion is cruel word but that was it is.

I was discharge late evening yesterday. No pain except silent pain in my heart. I will still had to do follow up check up at least 3 cycle of my menses. The doctor need to ensure I really fit to start all over again, may be in June. For now, all I need to recover physically, mentally and emotionally.