Shake The Disease - Depeche Mode

I'm not going down on my knees begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery and torture for me
When I misunderstood try as hard as you can
I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see how important it is for me

Here is a plea from my heart to you
Nobody knows me as well as you do
You know how hard it is for me to shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Understand me
Understand me
Understand me
Understand me

Some people have to be permanently together
Lovers devoted to each other forever
Now I've got things to do and I've said before
That I know you have too when I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there

Here is a plea from my heart to you
Nobody knows me as well as you do
You know how hard it is for me to shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Understand me
Understand me
Understand me
Understand me

Here is a plea from my heart to you
Nobody knows me as well as you do
You know how hard it is for me to shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Here is a plea from my heart to you
Nobody knows me as well as you do
You know how hard it is for me to shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Here is a plea from my heart to you
Nobody knows me as well as you do
You know how hard it is for me to shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these

Send Her My Love - Journey

It's been so long
Since I've seen her face
You say she's doing fine
I still recall
A sad cafe
How it hurt so bad
To see her cry
I didn't want to say good-bye

(Chorus)
Send her my love
Memories remain
Send her my love
Roses never fade
Send her my love

The same hotel
The same old room
I'm on the road again
She needed so much more
Than I could give
We knew our love
Could not pretend
Broken hearts can always mend

(Chorus)

Callin' out your name
I'm dreamin'
Reflections of a face
I'm seein'
It's her voice
That keeps on haunting me

Send her, send her my love
Roses never fade
Memories remain
Send her, send her my love

Faithfully - Journey

Highway run 
Into the midnight sun 
Wheels go 'round and 'round 
You're on my mind 
Restless hearts 
Sleep alone tonight 
Sendin' all my love 
Along the wire 

They say that the road ain't no place to start a family 
Right down the line it's been you and me 
And lovin' a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be 
Oh girl, you stand by me 
I'm forever yours 
Faithfully 

Circus life 
Under the big top world 
We all need the clowns 
To make us smile 
Through space and time 
Always another show 
Wondering where I am 
Lost without you 

And being apart ain't easy on this love affair 
Two strangers learn to fall in love again 
I get the joy of rediscovering you 
Oh girl, you stand by me 
I'm forever yours 
Faithfully 

Whoa, whoa, faithfully 
I'm still yours 
Ever yours 
Faithfully

p/s - remind me of USA 1995

Wheel in the sky - Journey

Winter is here again, oh Lord,
Haven't been home in a year or more
I hope she holds on a little longer

Sent a letter on a long summer day
Made of silver, not of clay
Oooh, I've been runnin' down this dusty road

Oooh, the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'

I've been trying to make it home
Got to make it before too long
Oooh, I can't take this very much longer, nooo
I'm standing in a sleet of rain
Don't think I'm ever gonna make it home again
The mornin' sun is risin'
It's kissin' the day

(Chorus)

Woahhhhh....
Na, na ,na, na
For tomorrow

Oh, wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'
Oooh, I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
Wheel in the sky keeps me yearnin'
Oooh, I don't know, I don't know, ohhh

Oh, the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'
Oooh, I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'
Oooh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...

Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin
Don't know where I'll be tomorrow
Ooooh, the wheel in the sky keeps turnin'
Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'

Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

Just a small town girl 
Livin' in a lonely world 
She took the midnight train going anywhere 
Just a city boy 
Born and raised in South Detroit 
He took the midnight train going anywhere 

A singer in a smokey room 
The smell of wine and cheap perfume 
For a smile they can share the night 
It goes on and on and on and on 

(Chorus) 
Strangers waiting 
Up and down the boulevard 
Their shadows searching in the night 
Streetlight people 
Living just to find emotion 
Hiding, somewhere in the night 

Working hard to get my fill 
Everybody wants a thrill 
Payin' anything to roll the dice 
Just one more time 
Some will win, some will lose 
Some were born to sing the blues 
Oh, the movie never ends 
It goes on and on and on and on 

(Chorus) 
Strangers waiting 
Up and down the boulevard 
Their shadows searching in the night 
Streetlight people 
Living just to find emotion 
Hiding, somewhere in the night 

Don't stop believin' 
Hold on to the feelin' 
Streetlight people 
woahhh, woahhhh 

Don't stop believin' 
Hold on... 
Streetlight people 
Ohhh, woahhhh 
Don't stop believin' 
Hold on to that feelin' 
Streetlight people

Alive - Pearl Jam

Son, she said, have I got a little story for you
What you thought was your daddy was nothin' but a...
While you were sittin' home alone at age thirteen
Your real daddy was dyin', sorry you didn't see him, but I'm glad we
talked...

Oh I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey, I, I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey...oh...

Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man's room
She said I'm ready...for you
I can't remember anything to this very day
'Cept the look, the look...
Oh, you know where, now I can't see, I just stare...

I, I'm still alive
Hey I, but, I'm still alive
Hey I, boy, I'm still alive
Hey I, I, I, I'm still alive, yeah
Ooh yeah...yeah yeah yeah...oh...oh...

Is something wrong, she said
Well of course there is
You're still alive, she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be
Is that the question
And if so...if so...who answers...who answers...
I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, but, I'm still alive
Yeah I, ooh, I'm still alive
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Black - Pearl Jam

Hey...oooh... 
Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay 
Were laid spread out before me as her body once did 
All five horizons revolved around her soul 
As the earth to the sun 
Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn 
Ooh, and all I taught her was everything 
Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore 
And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds 
Of what was everything? 
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed Everything... 

I take a walk outside 
I'm surrounded by some kids at play 
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear 
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head 
I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning 
How quick the sun can, drop away 
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass 
Of what was everything 
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything... 
All the love gone bad turned my world to black 
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I will be...yeah... 
Uh huh...uh huh...ooh... 
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star 
In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why 
Can't it be, can't it be mine

My disappearance

I know few friends and family notice I was off line at least for a week. There are reason to it and finally I have a strength to spread the bad news to all of you.

For the past few weeks I was joyful with my pregnancy development. The growing tummy and the nausea really confirming the pregnancy. Since this is my second pregnancy, I did not rush to see my gynecologist immediately. But last week was my follow up appointment and had my pregnancy test for the first time. I was excited when I saw the fetus but the happy moment ended when she told me the fetus did not develop any heartbeat after 8 weeks pregnant. I think my heart stop few second (may be not but that how I feel). Aaron was there with me and I was excited to show him his new sibling and the news break my heart.

But there was no tears shed on that particular moment. Silently I calmed myself and listen to what the doctor had to say. She give me a week to see if any progress on the fetus with very slim chances. I went back home and shut myself out from outside world including my family. It was horrible when I broke the news to my husband while we having dinner. I could even bare to look straight into his eyes because I was scared I will lose myself in tears.

A week past and last 2 days was my follow up to check if any progress and as what we expected nothing has change. The fetus still has no development but my placenta still growing as if  the fetus is alive. Cause of the problem? We have no idea. The doctor did suggest after she terminate my pregnancy, she can sent it to the lab to run a test. But I refuse to do it because I do not want the result being the topic to pint point who's fault it is. She admitted me to the ward that evening and the operation was done the next morning (yesterday). Abortion is cruel word but that was it is.

I was discharge late evening yesterday. No pain except silent pain in my heart. I will still had to do follow up check up at least 3 cycle of my menses. The doctor need to ensure I really fit to start all over again, may be in June. For now, all I need to recover physically, mentally and emotionally.